My
brain is overly full. Too full. I need to figure out a way to empty it.
So here
I am, in the living room, listening to “By Request…John Williams and the Boston
Pops”. Actually, the theme to “Jaws” just came on. Appropriate for me writing,
eh? But listening to music does help mellow out my over-filled grey cells. So,
here I am, writing in my living room, with just the tree on for lights. Yes, I
still have my Christmas tree up. Yes, it’s a fake, and yes, the tree brings me
a bit of peace. I’ll take it down before the end of the week. But with the December
that I had I need to enjoy it a bit more. I’m also thanking the Maker for the
fact that I don’t have to be at the lab until Wednesday night as my brain is
just so full. Overflowing full.
My parents came down this past
weekend for my daughter’s birthday party. It was great that I was able to keep
it quiet and they surprised the heck out of her. It was a fun afternoon, she had
a few people over as she doesn’t like to have too many people around. We had
cake and presents followed by her favorite; Chinese food. Okay, so we did
things backwards. I think that’s how my family has always done things:
backwards. Anyway, back to the little story. I finally sat down around eight
p.m. or so and was playing on Facebook when I realized what day it was. January
9th. It had been nine years ago that day that I had a chunk of my
brain taken out. And I can literally say that I have had my brain flushed down
the drain. I told Dr. Kanev that I so wanted to keep the chunk he would take
out. I told him that I wanted to keep it in formaldehyde on my mantel so I
could look at it and say “Ha! Brain I beat you!” But Dr. Kanev told me that it
was so juicy that it wouldn’t work. It would have just been spatter floating
around. So my brain literally went down to drain into the Springfield sewer system.
The time since my surgery seems
more than nine years. It seems more like nineteen years. Hey, Jean VanJean and
I are in the same boat! Not really, but it sounded cool. Anyhow, so much has
happened to me in the last nine years. Found out my husband had been having an
affair, got divorced, worked full time third shift for two and a half years,
then had to deal with all the garbage that the kids were going through, court
custody battle (which I lost by the way) and then dealing with my daughters hospitalization
and recovery. She was so traumatized by the divorce and what my ex did. But
that’s another blog. Now it’s just the two of us, the two psycho dogs and my
job. My brain in many ways feels like it is overflowing. But there’s an empty
hole. And I don’t know what to put in it.
I’m very trepidatious of moving
forward with my life. The divorce between HWSNBN and I was quite traumatic for
me. I’d experienced hurt before in my life, but nothing of that nature. Yes, I
know that I made mistakes, but I tried to fix them. I gave it everything that I
had. He just didn’t give back. And maybe that is one of the things that I am
scared of. Giving again. Give, give, give. I gave so much then, I give so much
to the kids. In going through all of this I have really been able to understand
that which my mom went through being a Pastor’s wife and a mom to two wicked
active kids. I’ve no idea how to go about the dating websites. Do I want to try
that? I don’t know. Do I want to try this the old fashioned way by going to
clubs or bars? I don’t know. There’s just so much in this head of mine that I
don’t think I know much of anything anymore.
But I’ve got my friends. Ladies,
you know who you are and I love you all. I’ve got my work. Bacteria, I love
you, too! I love my kids, my family, my home, my psycho dogs. And I hope that
there is another guy out there somewhere that I can love too. And who would
love me back. No questions asked and take me the way I am. Maybe that’s what I
need to empty my grey cells. Or just get another one.
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